Previously on Nurse Jackie:
Hi. Zoey. First year nursing.
After 12.5 hours, nurses are three times more likely to make mistakes.
Lies, Mrs. Akalitis, lies.
He paged you 20 minutes ago. Seriously, 20 minutes?
What do you doctors have against healing people, for chrissake?
Yeah, you see that right there. Healing, helping, fixing. Fantastic.
- That's why you're a nurse. - I don't think I can do this.
This job is wading through a shit storm of people...
...who come into this place on the worst day of their lives, so buck up.
That's what they're looking for. They're looking for God.
I'm sorry, I get excited.
- Brought you something for your back. - I was thinking more along the lines...
- ...of Vicodin. - I'm not an idiot.
- Hey, babe. - Mom.
You're kissing too hard.
No such thing. My heads, my rules.
Morning.
Such calm.
And so quiet and so peaceful.
I can breathe it in.
I can almost feel it inside.
Yeah, almost there.
Almost.
Yes.
- Hey. - Hi.
- Hey, jumpy. - Sorry, I'm half asleep.
- Okay, it's all yours. - I wanna show you something.
I asked Grace what she wanted to watch.
And instead of cartoons she chose a documentary called...
...Viral Armageddon: Death Knell For Mankind.
So she's interested in science.
She's constantly stressed. It's not about science, it's not about...
I'm wondering if it's about something bigger.
No, I don't think it is. I think she's gonna be a teenager.
I think she's... Her moods are erratic.
You know, I think it's normal.
Well, all she wants to do is watch documentaries...
...about world wars and global warming.
- She seems so nervous. - Honey, she's 10.
What has she got to be nervous about?
Thought I'd swing by the hospital, take you out to lunch.
Today's awful. It's Thursday.
It's gonna be nuts. Can I take a rain check?
- Sure. - Okay.
It's been raining a lot lately.
Well, you know, April showers bring May flowers.
And if you're really good...
...maybe a blow job.
Okay, kiddos, school time. Saddle up.
Hey, Eddie, it's me. I just called to say good morning.
I need to see you this morning. I really wanna see you this morning.
So if you could find me as soon as you get in, that'd be great, okay?
Bye.
So you see, I know all about this because I was in the Army, you know.
- Is that right? - Jackie.
Hi, ta-da. My new stethoscope.
Okay, first, get me those leads.
Second, don't ever say "ta-da" again, okay?
The only people who say "ta-da" are magicians and idiots.
It's cool, isn't it? My mom got it for me.
Leads.
I swear to God, Jacks, the salespeople at Bergdorf are so foul.
They almost make me regret spending $1200 on a scarf.
May I?
Okay, Mr. Bernard Zimberg, fluid in his lungs, shortness of breath.
So, Mr. Zimberg, how long have you had congestive heart disease?
I had quintuple bypass...
...the same year the Rangers won the Stanley Cup.
That's 1994.
I'm still having dreams about Mark Messier.
Canada's finest import since bacon.
Well, Mr. Zimberg, your arteries are not cooperating.
They're closing up, which is restricting blood flow to your heart...
...and causing fluid to build up.
We'll take a cardiology consult...
...but I'd say you're looking at angioplasty at the least.
And another bypass at the most.
Nurse, a moment please.
I'm thinking sushi or Indian for lunch. Text me and I'll make a rezzy.
Oh, but...
Okay, so, Mr. Zimberg...
...as soon as we speak to the cardiologist, I think...
No. No cardiologists.
No more angioplasty. No more bypass.
No more bupkis.
I'm sorry?
I'm sorry to be so irritable. But an old friend of mine used to say:
"Well, that's life in the Balkans."
I didn't know what the hell he was talking about.
One thing I don't want...
I don't want my wife to lose one minute of sleep over this.
You got it?
Here she comes. My childhood sweetheart.
- There you are. - Yes.
- I looked and looked. - And now you found.
So I was just talking to your husband about his options.
And I was telling this nice nurse here that I've had it with the doctors.
- And the medicine. - And the medicine.
- Yes. - He doesn't need any of it.
Everything he needs to recover is in this bag.
In that bag, it's true.
Is that right? Well, that must be some bag.
Oh, okay, hold on just a minute. I'll be right back.
- Here. Smile, smile. - I'm smiling. I'm smiling.
- You rang? - Yes, my back is killing me.
Oh, I'll take care of you.
Twenty minutes?
Twenty-eight-year-old female.
Severe abdominal pain. Pulse is tachy around 130.
Well, no fever. Honey, you're drenched.
I'm cold but I'm sweating. It's so weird.
Is she gonna be okay, you guys?
Are you allergic to any medications?
- Doc, I don't know, I'm sorry. Hon? - Penicillin.
You all right to get on to this bed?
There you go.
Okay.
- When did this start? - I wasn't feeling great last night.
But this morning, I really started cramping up.
- I'm sorry, you guys. - We're in New York on vacation.
- I gathered. - How could you tell?
- I'm gonna guess Midwest. - Ohio. How did you know?
You're in pain and you're apologizing.
- Sorry. - Sorry.
- It's our first anniversary. - Is that right?
- Congratulations. - Thank you.
It might be something she ate.
I've never really seen her this sick before.
Okay, well, your pulse is high...
...but other than that, your vital signs are okay.
We might wanna do a pregnancy test.
- Yes, please. - Oh, hon, what if?
Jackie?
Hi.
Please don't say hi every time, okay? Once a week is plenty.
In fact, if you go five days without saying hi, I will buy you a MetroCard.
Okay.
So great.
And I just wanted to tell you I put in all the IVs.
- I bandaged... - Where's your stethoscope?
Dr. O'Hara took it when we were...
I don't care. It's part of your uniform.
Find it. Make sure it is with you at all times.
Dr. O'Hara's...
...a doctor.
Okay, here's a tip. Doctors take shit.
Sandwiches, stethoscopes, credit. It's what they do.
They can't help themselves. Figure it out, Zoey.
Hey.
Back still hurt?
- Yeah, it's not good. - Come on.
I got what you need.
- Sit. - Okay.
Let me.
All right?
All right.
Yeah, that's it right there. You got it.
Yeah, I'm gonna...
- Eddie? - Yep.
Your hands feel sad.
You're killing me, Jackie.
What's up?
They're replacing me with a Pyxis.
They're what?
Over my dead body.
Yeah. No, I mean, I think you would lose that one.
Are they gonna transfer you to another floor?
I think the point is total automation, so I doubt it.
- What are you gonna do? - I don't know.
Duane Reade, CVS...
You know, I'll figure out something. Don't worry about me.
Fucking Pyxis, are you kidding me?
They can replace you with a fucking bullshit, robot pill machine?
No, technically, it's not a robot.
- Wait, actually, it is. - I don't fucking believe this.
So, what, we're gonna need ID numbers now...
...so they can keep track of every aspirin we take?
- The forefront of healthcare. - Yeah, like we need more oversight.
Why don't you just staple a camera to my forehead?
It's gonna take us like 20 minutes...
...to punch a number into a keyboard to get a fucking Motrin.
I swear to God, I could puke.
Yeah, I'm gonna miss you too.
Excuse me, Coop?
Coop.
You finally did it.
Hey, hey, come here, come here.
Get a load of this guy's hand.
- Grim, right? - Yes, very.
Listen, I need you to put in your two cents with the board...
...or whatever it is that wants a Pyxis in the pharmacy.
Shut up, we're getting a Pyxis? That's... Even the name sounds cool.
- Pyxis, I love that. - No, it's not cool.
It's the opposite of cool. Vote no on the Pyxis.
Captain, we are powerless against the crushing force of the Pyxis.
You done?
Jackie, we're talking about the seamless integration...
...of man and machine. Come on, step into the future.
Stop it, please.
First of all, that machine is not only an insult to nurses...
...it is also squeezing Eddie out of a job.
You don't want me to put my two cents in.
You want me to put your two cents in.
So how about next time you need a favor, just ask?
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
Is this because you have a little crush on Eddie?
Yeah, that's it, Coop. I have a huge crush on Eddie.
In fact, we fuck every day at noon.
You're a moron.
- How are we on time? - No, we're good.
Just don't get fancy.
Chicken soup.
Is that what was in that bag?
Here, smell.
- Oh, that smells good. - Yeah, it is.
It's kept me alive two years longer than any doctor predicted.
It's all I need.
The doctor that told Bernie he had less than six months to live, he's dead.
- Hit by a bus. - Crosstown M14.
They're nice buses, if you have to get hit by a bus.
You could do worse.
All right, well, if I may.
You have been evaluated by one of the best doctors in the hospital.
I trust her implicitly.
And she recommended a consult and some additional therapy.
No, no. No more.
The only thing invading me will be carrots and chicken.
He's had enough.
The treatments only make him sicker. Please, trust us.
This soup is better than anything you have to offer.
They don't call chicken soup Jewish Penicillin for nothing.
- It's all about faith. - It's a cure-all.
Back in ancient times, a Jewish mystic blessed the very first pot...
...and to this very day, there's a little magic in every sip.
True, not true, it's a nice story.
- Well, right, we'll go with true. - Attagirl.
Okay, I'm sorry, I need to be perfectly clear about this.
So you are refusing medical treatment...
...and you are choosing to eat soup instead?
Yes. After I eat, me and my chick will be on our way.
Okay, well, if I can be of any help, you'll let me know.
- Sweetheart, that I accept. - Okay.
Jackie, I'm sorry about the Eddie thing. I was...
This is Mr. Batali, 31 -year-old male... Mr. Batali?
Are you with us, Mr. Batali?
What's going on?
You were brought in unconscious a couple minutes ago.
You've got some serious lacerations on your testicles.
You've got a nasty lump on your head.
Oh, my God, I'm in stirrups?
- Can you tell us what happened? - Goddamn it, Roy.
Oh, boyfriend trouble?
If you wanna press charges, this place is crawling with cops.
No. No, I'm not pressing charges against Roy.
Is Roy a friend or a roommate or...?
Roy is my cat.
Oh, yeah, a cat did that.
- Really? - Yes.
Okay, yes. I was cleaning my bathtub nude, okay?
I was nude and I was leaning over the tub...
...and Roy dove for my scrotum...
...I fell into the tub and knocked myself out. There, happy?
I married my cat when I was 6.
Made him a little tuxedo and everything.
- Aren't cats great? - Zoey, where is your stethoscope?
I know, shut up, go get it.
- I guess it could happen. - Sure, I can see it.
You know, the guy's naked, he's bent over the tub, he's cleaning.
There's a certain amount of movement.
You know, some swinging action.
- What cat could resist that? - Exactly.
It's like a little pink mouse swinging from a vine.
I don't know that I would have gone there but, you know, if it works for you.
- How you doing? - Oh, hey, how are you?
- Good. Those for your wife? - Yeah, she doesn't read magazines.
She's more of a book person.
So I don't really know which one of these she'd like.
May I?
Please.
Well, this one is for 40-year-olds. This one is for teenagers.
This one's in Spanish.
Let's see.
This one...
...and this.
- Here you go. - Thank you.
You know, you've been so nice.
It's not true what they say about New Yorkers.
Yes, it is.
- What? - I can't believe you.
- Why? - You were just...
- You just were cruising Dr. Cooper. - Did not.
You were licking your lips like a cartoon wolf.
It's no big deal.
He's good-looking.
Second time today I felt like I was gonna puke.
Sometimes the people who disgust you are the hottest fucks.
Sometimes the people who disgust you just disgust you.
Whatever.
Hello, dear.
- Excuse me, who's your doctor? - He doesn't have a doctor.
- He doesn't? - No.
- He's eating soup. - I see that.
Hi, Mrs. Akalitis.
The Zimbergs are waiting on test results...
...and I told them they can stay until they get them.
Is that right?
They can wait in the waiting room.
Okay, can I speak with you a minute?
That's not a happy woman.
Gloria, can you be a nurse again for one second...
...stick your head in there and tell me what you see?
- He's dying. - Yes, he is.
All right.
He can have till the end of your shift.
Hey, Thor, could you help me get my stethoscope back from Dr. O'Hara?
No.
I saved two lives today.
Doctors are just people.
Hi, Mrs. O'Hara. Can I...?
Hi, Dr. O'Hara.
My stethoscope that you borrowed from me this morning, can I...?
Dr. O'Hara, it's come to my attention that you have my stethoscope.
Oh, hello, Angela.
It's not An... It...
Thank you.
- No, old guy. The old guy. - No, the old guy, Zimberg.
He made this whole big thing about refusing treatment.
But he's in there eating chicken soup instead.
Really? God, Jews are so funny.
- Is that racist? - I think it's a compliment.
He knows he's dying. He doesn't want his wife to know.
So she's in there feeding him soup right now.
For God's sake, I hope he's got a bloody DNR.
He's an absolute knob if he doesn't.
I mean, trying to bring them back to life is such a bloody mess.
Why would his wife wanna put him through that?
- It's fucking appalling. - It's easy for you to say.
You're sitting in the prime of your life...
...eating your, you know, spicy money roll.
What happens when you spend a little more time with somebody you love?
See how easy it is to walk away then.
That's assuming an awful lot.
Okay, hypothetical.
Go.
Eddie and your husband decide to become friends.
- You know what...? - Not finished.
Eddie and your husband become friends...
...and the Titanic is sinking, and only one of them gets to survive.
Which one?
You know, you're really a very mean-spirited woman.
I think Grace is starting to unravel a little bit.
It's scaring the shit out of me.
If you need anything, and I mean anything...
...you'd better bloody tell me, or I will kill you.
- Yes. - And then she'll be motherless.
- And then I'll have to take her. - Oh, God.
You know you took my precept's stethoscope, right?
I know. I've been having the most marvelous time...
...watching her muster the courage to ask for it back.
Labs are back. Woman in Curtain 2 ain't preggers.
Thank you.
All right, so you're not pregnant.
- I'm not? - You were withdrawing from opiates.
What?
So, what were you taking and how much?
- I wasn't taking anything. - If you bullshit me, I can't help you.
How did you know?
Cramps, sweating. You know, it's my job to know.
So tell me.
I got my wisdom teeth out about six months ago.
They gave me Vicodin.
I loved it, and it's so easy to get online.
I mean, it's like the most amazing feeling I've ever had.
Like the most perfect day of your entire life.
And that's not easy to feel in Toledo, Ohio.
So you ran out of Vicodin?
No, I just figured it's our first anniversary.
We're on a trip. I didn't think I'd need it.
Well, you can't stop taking opioids just like that.
You've got to taper down slowly. You're on a very slippery slope.
Well, I don't think... No, I'm okay. It's not like I'm addicted.
Trying to get pregnant while you're taking pain killers recreationally...
...that's not a great plan.
Please don't tell him.
His dad drinks. This will kill him.
All right. I'm gonna get you a phone number.
No, no, no code. We're all right, no code.
I'm so sorry.
You know, I think the soup really did help ease his suffering.
That's all I ever wanted.
I knew he was dying...
...even though he didn't want me to know.
We were married for a hundred years. How could I not know he was dying?
Sorry for your loss.
You're welcome.
What did that mean?
It's Yiddish...
...for "go shit in the ocean."
Very nice.
Hi.
It's me. It's Angela.
I was wondering...
...if I could get my stethosc...
Well done, Angela.
Hey, sweetie.
Mom, could the bubonic plague ever happen again?
No, sweetie.
We have medicine and sanitation that they didn't have back then.
Then what about the flu?
Could a flu epidemic wipe out 40 million people like it did in 1918?
- Honey, these are not impor... - Could it?
No.
Want some soup?
Not really.
It's really good for you, monkey. It's chicken soup.
Wanna try just a little bit?
That's good, right?